Um..... ..... Hi!.... <3!

I think too much when I can't sleep.

Mon, 07 Dec 2009 13:49:22 GMT

So, I've been going through this thing for the past week or two and it's been really bugging me that I can't pull myself out of it. So last night I was thinking about it, and I couldn't get my thoughts straight. So I grabbed the notebook I keep on my bedside table for cases like this. (You'd be surprise how often this happens) I started writing what I felt and when I read over what I wrote I realized that I had written something that maybe more people should read. Because maybe they're going through the same sort of thing, or maybe they could help me with what I'm going through. So I decided to post it here, because I couldn't think of any other place.

This is what happens when I can't sleep:

Having your heart broken is one thing and, even though I've never let myself be broken because truthfully I'm afraid of it, it's painful. But what I've been feeling for the past week or so, I think I've lost track of time, could be much worse.
I feel like I've jumped off a cliff, and when I did the feeling was perfect. It was that weightless, oh my god my stomach is missing, free-fall feeling that makes you smile just thinking about it. It was just like that, it was pure bliss. I cannot remember a better feeling.
But then I looked down and underneath me there are these horrible pointy rocks everywhere on the ground. There are so many of them, there's no way to avoid hitting them. I have no idea how high the cliff is, but I do know that I'm heading towards the rocks fast and this awful fear has clentched my heart. There's no one around and I'm not wearing a parachute. I know it's going to hurt like hell when I hit those rocks, but it's too late for me to back out now.
I keep trying to close my eyes or look up to try to forget about the rocks beneath me, but I can't seem to pull my eyes away from them. The fear of hitting them is choking me and I feel like it's draining all the life out of me. I keep trying to call out for help, to catch someones attention, but no one cares enough to look for more than five seconds and that makes it hurt even worse. I realize, then, that I'm alone in this fall. I really am alone.
As I'm thinking about this choking fear, and the pain I know I'm soon to feel, I realize a few things. That feeling that I felt before, that weightless free-fall, I'm probably never going to feel that again until after I hit those rocks. But that feeling... Those moments of weightlessness, of happiness, they were worth it. Even though this is going to hurt like hell, and I've been so careful my entire like to never hurt like that because I've seen what it can do, those feelings were so worth it.
Another thing that I realize is that I am a damn strong person, no matter what anyone else says. I am going to be Okay after the impact. It might take awhile, and I may have to put the pieces back together alone, but I'm going to be okay.
The last thing I realize is that I'm going to cry. I'm going to cry like a child and I'm going to need a shoulder and a hug, but I'll be damned if I'm not smiling at the same time. I'm going to smile no matter how much it hurts because I know damn good and well it was worth it.
So yeah, my hearts going to break. I'm going to hit those rocks, and I'm going to hurt. Not only am I going to hurt, I'm going to hurt like hell. But I'm going to remember that weightless feeling and I'm going to let myself be relieved when I hit the ground. Why? Because the pain will let go of my heart, and I can start to be okay. So I'm gonna smile, as I fall towards those rocks, and I'm going to try to focus on those last few weightless moments I have. There might be a tear or two, but there's going to be a smile because this was totally worth it.

When I read this over this morning, I started thinking about why I had jumped in the first place. Who on earth would want to feel this? But as I thought about it I realized, no one wants to feel this. This is the crappy part. The moments before this and after it are the moments that make it worth it. So now I realize why we jump. Now I know why we take that plunge, why we fall.

Because Life is totally worth it.

heh heh

Sat, 04 Apr 2009 06:23:53 GMT

Yeah so.....

I haven't been on here in forever. So I thought I'd write a little something.

So yeah, I was in Living Stations.... -glances at clock- Yesterday. Wow, it's 2:13 am.

Anyways.

I played Mary, and it was fun.

I had to sit there and stare at the guy playing Jesus for the entire reading and the song. Then he had to lay in my arms and get covered in a sheet.

Apparently it was touching and beautiful and well done, and stuff like that.

THAT WAS FROM THE AUDIENCE!

To me, it was uncomfortable, the spotlight was really hot, I was wearing a BED SHEET ON MY HEAD, his head was right on my knee, which was very uncomfortable , AND I LOVED EVERY SECOND OF IT!

Ahhh, performing.

All of the discomfort was paid off when you look up at the audience, for a moment, and see a guy. A full grown man, with tears in his eyes.

Beautiful. Absolutly Beautiful.

Also, I'm soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo glad Lent is almost overrrr!

I'm never giving up Batman for anything! EVER AGAIN! I'm ready to DIE. But only a week, and I can watch The Dark Knight again, JUST A WEEK. -sigh- I'm hopeless.

Anyways, that's all I have to say.... for now. lol

I loves you all. <3

Owwwwwww

Sun, 14 Sep 2008 15:56:31 GMT

Okay! Well I went to the fair last night, woo hoo!

I had so much fun with the girl I went with. Her name's Lisa, she's the best. I haven't seen her in forever so it was good to catch up and ride stuff together.
She got me on the ride that goes in a complete circle, it likes holds you upside down for a while. That one.

I was so scared, but it rocked.

We got Henna tatoos.
I got a Badass Batman one on my wrist. I'm gonna take a picture when I find my camera.

We rode this one, next to the Tornado if anyone goes to the fair, that I rode on the Outside, bad idea. OWWWW! The gforce pushed Lisa into me, and thus pushed my leg into the nob where the bar was holding us down. Well the top side of my right thiegh is a curious shade of purple, and it constantly hurts. DO NOT RIDE ON THE OUTSIDE OF THAT RIDE.
Just don't do it.

My school stuff finally got here late friday evening. All my classes are here but you'd think I'd bought a library. I swear I can fill more than one bookshelf wih all the books I got.

My mom's thinking about getting my a locker so I can keep it all in one place. I know a bookshelf would do the same thing, But I want a locker.

They look cool.

Anyways, that's all I have to report. I haven't been up to the hospital in a while, but I was able to relax a bit at the fair and get my mind off of it. Even though I know my chiropracter is going to KILL me. Cause he said that I was already coming out of alinement the last time I was there.

Hehe. Sorry Dr. Nick. /innocent

lol.
Anyways, I think that's it!
<3
Acorn

School Stuff

Wed, 10 Sep 2008 13:49:23 GMT

Okay, well Good News:
I won't have to take Algebra 1 FOR THE THIRD BLOODY TIME

They accepted the credits from last year and I should have my classes by today or tomorrow.

I'll be taking:

Literary Analysis 1
World History
Geometry
Earth Science
Latin
Religion

I think that's it, but I'm probably wrong. So I'll have to edit this later more than likly.

So anyways, Thats all the news I have right now.

OH! I went to see my grandma last night.
-shiver- It wasn't fun. I couldn't stay in there long. Her scar looks... Not right I guess. I was uncomfortable and I was barely holding myself together. I really want my sissy right now.

Like Really Bad. D=

(Sissy= My Cousin Karissa for those who were wondering)

I don't wanna go back, but we might be going tonight. Mom bribes me with starbucks though, so I might just sip on my Grande Iced Non-fat White Chocolate Mocha and suffer silently.

-sigh-

Fri, 05 Sep 2008 15:47:29 GMT

Hmmm... Okay.

You know you're really bored when you're wanting to do school work. But the rest of my subjects haven't gotten here yet, and it's been a while since we sent in my test and study course.

But anyways, I think I might be going to see Grandma tonight. I'm not sure though, My mom's talking about boarding Coco and taking me over to my friends house to stay for the weekend.

The surgery went well, we don't know how much they got out. They're doing an MRI to find out today.

My Aunt Sonya somehow got the idea that the doctor said 50% but Mom says he didn't.

Well I'm At The Hospital

Thu, 04 Sep 2008 16:36:42 GMT

They took Grandma to Pre-Op about 30 minutes ago.

So yeah, now we sit in the waiting room and stare at each other for like 5-10 hours, depending on who you ask.

I really don't want to be here that long, but I don't have a bloody choice.

I feel like helpless when I'm sitting around doing NOTHING.

I did get all my school work done for today, sooo yeah.

I do need to read some more of Red Badge of Courage, Bleh.

School assigned books usually just suck, so my hopes aren't too high.

Anyways, I'll keep you updated.

<3
Acorn

Why doesn't Myspace have a mood that means painful other than sore?

Tue, 02 Sep 2008 17:08:37 GMT

Soooo anyways!

I went to the chiropractor today and he says that I have like an on going muscle spasm that goes from my shoulder to my hip. Bleh.

It hurts, I have to ice it for 10 minutes every hour, it's COLD!

Well.... Duh.

Anways, I won't be going to the hospital to see my Grandma today, cause my mom has school tonight and we won't be able to go. But tomorrow I will, I'm not sure I want to though.

So anyways... Yeah...

I will never be able to watch Dirty Dancing again.... Family Guy Star Wars thing... -scarred for life-

Yeah.

<3
Acorn, The Destroyer of Men