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So, I've been going through this thing for the past week or two and it's been really bugging me that I can't pull myself out of it. So last night I was thinking about it, and I couldn't get my thoughts straight. So I grabbed the notebook I keep on my bedside table for cases like this. (You'd be surprise how often this happens) I started writing what I felt and when I read over what I wrote I realized that I had written something that maybe more people should read. Because maybe they're going through the same sort of thing, or maybe they could help me with what I'm going through. So I decided to post it here, because I couldn't think of any other place.
This is what happens when I can't sleep:
When I read this over this morning, I started thinking about why I had jumped in the first place. Who on earth would want to feel this? But as I thought about it I realized, no one wants to feel this. This is the crappy part. The moments before this and after it are the moments that make it worth it. So now I realize why we jump. Now I know why we take that plunge, why we fall.
Because Life is totally worth it.
This is what happens when I can't sleep:
Having your heart broken is one thing and, even though I've never let myself be broken because truthfully I'm afraid of it, it's painful. But what I've been feeling for the past week or so, I think I've lost track of time, could be much worse.
I feel like I've jumped off a cliff, and when I did the feeling was perfect. It was that weightless, oh my god my stomach is missing, free-fall feeling that makes you smile just thinking about it. It was just like that, it was pure bliss. I cannot remember a better feeling.
But then I looked down and underneath me there are these horrible pointy rocks everywhere on the ground. There are so many of them, there's no way to avoid hitting them. I have no idea how high the cliff is, but I do know that I'm heading towards the rocks fast and this awful fear has clentched my heart. There's no one around and I'm not wearing a parachute. I know it's going to hurt like hell when I hit those rocks, but it's too late for me to back out now.
I keep trying to close my eyes or look up to try to forget about the rocks beneath me, but I can't seem to pull my eyes away from them. The fear of hitting them is choking me and I feel like it's draining all the life out of me. I keep trying to call out for help, to catch someones attention, but no one cares enough to look for more than five seconds and that makes it hurt even worse. I realize, then, that I'm alone in this fall. I really am alone.
As I'm thinking about this choking fear, and the pain I know I'm soon to feel, I realize a few things. That feeling that I felt before, that weightless free-fall, I'm probably never going to feel that again until after I hit those rocks. But that feeling... Those moments of weightlessness, of happiness, they were worth it. Even though this is going to hurt like hell, and I've been so careful my entire like to never hurt like that because I've seen what it can do, those feelings were so worth it.
Another thing that I realize is that I am a damn strong person, no matter what anyone else says. I am going to be Okay after the impact. It might take awhile, and I may have to put the pieces back together alone, but I'm going to be okay.
The last thing I realize is that I'm going to cry. I'm going to cry like a child and I'm going to need a shoulder and a hug, but I'll be damned if I'm not smiling at the same time. I'm going to smile no matter how much it hurts because I know damn good and well it was worth it.
So yeah, my hearts going to break. I'm going to hit those rocks, and I'm going to hurt. Not only am I going to hurt, I'm going to hurt like hell. But I'm going to remember that weightless feeling and I'm going to let myself be relieved when I hit the ground. Why? Because the pain will let go of my heart, and I can start to be okay. So I'm gonna smile, as I fall towards those rocks, and I'm going to try to focus on those last few weightless moments I have. There might be a tear or two, but there's going to be a smile because this was totally worth it.
I feel like I've jumped off a cliff, and when I did the feeling was perfect. It was that weightless, oh my god my stomach is missing, free-fall feeling that makes you smile just thinking about it. It was just like that, it was pure bliss. I cannot remember a better feeling.
But then I looked down and underneath me there are these horrible pointy rocks everywhere on the ground. There are so many of them, there's no way to avoid hitting them. I have no idea how high the cliff is, but I do know that I'm heading towards the rocks fast and this awful fear has clentched my heart. There's no one around and I'm not wearing a parachute. I know it's going to hurt like hell when I hit those rocks, but it's too late for me to back out now.
I keep trying to close my eyes or look up to try to forget about the rocks beneath me, but I can't seem to pull my eyes away from them. The fear of hitting them is choking me and I feel like it's draining all the life out of me. I keep trying to call out for help, to catch someones attention, but no one cares enough to look for more than five seconds and that makes it hurt even worse. I realize, then, that I'm alone in this fall. I really am alone.
As I'm thinking about this choking fear, and the pain I know I'm soon to feel, I realize a few things. That feeling that I felt before, that weightless free-fall, I'm probably never going to feel that again until after I hit those rocks. But that feeling... Those moments of weightlessness, of happiness, they were worth it. Even though this is going to hurt like hell, and I've been so careful my entire like to never hurt like that because I've seen what it can do, those feelings were so worth it.
Another thing that I realize is that I am a damn strong person, no matter what anyone else says. I am going to be Okay after the impact. It might take awhile, and I may have to put the pieces back together alone, but I'm going to be okay.
The last thing I realize is that I'm going to cry. I'm going to cry like a child and I'm going to need a shoulder and a hug, but I'll be damned if I'm not smiling at the same time. I'm going to smile no matter how much it hurts because I know damn good and well it was worth it.
So yeah, my hearts going to break. I'm going to hit those rocks, and I'm going to hurt. Not only am I going to hurt, I'm going to hurt like hell. But I'm going to remember that weightless feeling and I'm going to let myself be relieved when I hit the ground. Why? Because the pain will let go of my heart, and I can start to be okay. So I'm gonna smile, as I fall towards those rocks, and I'm going to try to focus on those last few weightless moments I have. There might be a tear or two, but there's going to be a smile because this was totally worth it.
When I read this over this morning, I started thinking about why I had jumped in the first place. Who on earth would want to feel this? But as I thought about it I realized, no one wants to feel this. This is the crappy part. The moments before this and after it are the moments that make it worth it. So now I realize why we jump. Now I know why we take that plunge, why we fall.
Because Life is totally worth it.
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